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Mourning Mom

Mourning Mom

As a young girl I had lots of dreams of my wedding day. One huge one was my mother. My mom right by me, zipping up my dress, putting on my veil, praying with me, all the while sharing memories of her own wedding, and wisdom that she had gathered through the years.

Right after Mark and I were married, I started feeling very tired and sad. I did not understand why, and those who know me, know I am not a sad and tired person. I did start working full time, and had just undergone a huge life shift. Those could be the cause. I laugh because I thought I was pregnant! I’m not. I was talking to one of my sister in laws, and somehow the conversation switched to my wedding.

My father and brother came up for my wedding. However about a week before my wedding I got a heart breaking call from my mom saying she was unable to come up. My mom has health issues that I will not go into detail about because that is a private matter, but they weaken her immune system, and after years of being sick she is finally in great health. My mom and I both feared her becoming fatally sick again because of Covid-19. I remember through tears from both of us agreeing it was best that she stay home. That way she could be there for other huge moments, like grandchildren. And what a sacrifice that moment was, but how much more I love her for it! Because I know she had looked forward to the moment she would help me with my dress, put on my veil, pray and share memories with me.

I did not realize the subconscious affect it had on me. I was mourning, and I felt silly mourning something that never happened. But it did happen, in my dreams throughout my whole life. And while I was talking to my sister in-law, she pointed out that a loss no matter how small (or in my case subconscious big) is still a loss and it is ok to mourn. Once I addressed it for what it was, I was able to see the blessings.

I am so grateful we live in a world where there is facetime. Thank you God for creating the person who made facetime! My mother and other loved ones were able to watch my wedding from Florida (I got married in Minnesota). She was able to see my father walk me down the aisle. She was able to see me and my husband take our vows. She was able to watch the first dance, the father daughter dance, and the dance with my brother. I was able to speak with her and others, such as my grandparents, and family friends. and I got to see my mother 3 months later when we visited home! And I really needed mom time! The happiness of having my mom by my side through all these other events in my life and hopefully my future children’s’ lives far outweigh the lost memory of a wedding custom.

Kintsugi

My father once told me about this japanese art for called kintsugi. The artist takes ancient broken pottery and they rebuild and mend them with gold, making them worth more than before they were broken. That is what God does with our hearts! When the world breaks us, God picks up those pieces carefully, tenderly, and puts them back together and mends them with something that makes us priceless, so that we may then show our cracks, our pricelessness, our testimony and help others look to God for mending. The pieces never fix themselves. They rely on a great creator, why not The Greatest? Why not the Almighty God? This Blog is to show my cracks and my gold pieces.

Winter Wedding

Mark and I got married on December 21, 2020, on winter solstice. It was a beautiful brisk day with just enough snow. The balcony, on which, we were wed overlooked some hills and a creek. The wind made it a bit colder than I wanted.

In the middle of our ceremony a bald eagle flew through, as if God was blessing our union though I missed it because I was too focused on my husband. The way his blue eyes shine, the way his hands kept squeezing mine, and his smile, the world was just us. I forgot about the crowd watching us. Later that evening, the Christmas Star appeared! We took it as another sign from God, blessing our union.

Mark and I decided before we were engaged, that we would both like a small wedding. I always had a fear of the production side of weddings, and how I felt it would take away from the memory. We were both worried that without Covid it would be nearly impossible to say no to people we love. Mark was very adamant that we were wed before 2021. We had 28 people at our wedding (which was more than Mark wanted, and fewer than I wanted.)

Most who were there were Mark’s siblings and their families. Others who were there included the caterer, photographers, (who were just friends of mine), videographer (also a friends and mentors of mine), Decorator and coordinator (who I teach Sunday School with, she is a great friend), and the woman I was living with along with my family! It was beautifully intimate, and despite the small wedding we felt so supported.

My community back in Florida sent many letters. My church put on a bridal shower., and Mark’s church put on a card shower for us. And so many people sent supportive messages. We are so grateful and excited to see where God leads us.

  My Teenage Years and Rebellion

The biggest challenge of my life, which came about six years ago, my 9th grade year. I was helping my 63-year-old neighbor, doing yard work. She was a Christian. She would pray with me when I was struggling and she would always have Christian music playing in her home. Despite living in a Christian home, I wanted my faith to look like hers. There were lots of men visiting, I thought they were helping her fix her stuff. My neighbor took a number of photos of me, saying they were for a picture album. My mom suspected something was going on. We argued and fought. I said hurtful things, and did hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I moved out of the house. Things were too tense, and I was turning into a terrible person. I was 15 years old. 

 One day my neighbor asked if I would go with her to her rental house to clean and get a couple of things. She told me not to tell anyone, not even my parents. That’s when I started suspected something was going on. I look back now and I only see God’s hand on my life, and a discernment that was so unlike anything I had felt before. I went to my parents and told them what my neighbor asked me to do. My parents reported the incident to the police. They started an investigation, and to put it plainly, she was working to traffick me, and by the grace of God I was spared. We have recently found out she is in a witchcraft demon cult, spiritual warfare is a very real thing, and I am so grateful for the guardian angel that has saved me from so many things.  However, around that time I walked away from God and for about a year after that I would deny who God was, not because I didn’t want to know him, but because I didn’t want to be like my neighbor. 

After I had walked away from Christ, I found myself in bad situations. Bad friends, bad relationships, I was being followed by guys, bad jobs, parties, drugs, and skipping class. I moved out of my house again because my parents didn’t like the person I was becoming. When I realized after a while that the lifestyle I lived was not what I wanted for myself, I changed, but with that change I lost everything. I was alone.

I was walking down the highway one day, because I had lost my job, my ex- fiance my friends, and family. I was having a pity party for myself and was yelling at God. And in the middle of my yelling I heard three words. And those beautiful three words  changed my whole life! “Go Home Sarah!” It wasn’t a voice you hear when someone is talking to you. It was a voice of love, authority, peace, and holiness. The difference in the voice is the reason I obeyed.

As I knocked on the door to my home, my parents answered. Right away I felt unwanted. And as that feeling set in, I started crying. After that I don’t remember much. It’s a blur of confession, honesty, peace, forgiveness, and thankfulness. The best analogy I can use is warmth after a long time out in the cold or light after spending hours in the dark.

Over the next few months,  I sat down with my parents to discuss how to become the person I want to be.  How was I going to be able to hold myself to these standards I had set with them? How was I going to lead a life of Christ when everything there reminded my of my shadows, following me everywhere? What about boarding school? Would I even be able to get in? 

I applied three weeks before school started to Hillcrest Lutheran Academy, and got in! I know it was all God! I looked terrible on paper, and tried so hard to be perfect in the interview, I was sure I had blown it! It was just another thing God had control over! I didn’t expect God to work in my life as much as He had and is doing! I didn’t know that my testimony would be helpful to other people or affect other people in the way it has! I didn’t know that God would use me to counsel young kids and early teens to follow Christ. I didn’t know I would become that person on the plane talking to you about Jesus. How could I have been changed so much in such a short time?  I am reminded of Paul, in comparison with my own story, except I was blind from the beginning only to have clear sight now. 

Now, I thank God everyday because I know he was looking out for me. The events that happened, happened in the right order and he protected me. And I thank my parents everyday because even though I treated them terribly they still loved me and still forgave me. And they still protected me even though I was undeserving of their kindness. My parents remind me of God’s love for me, because even though I do stupid and terrible things they are always there. And our relationship has never been stronger, and hopefully will continue to grow! God willing.

With God’s love, mercy, and strength we can conquer our problems and help others. I forgave and was forgiven. And I’ve learned not to ask why because that would be assuming that I know God’s plan better than He does. After all without all those things, I would not have had the glorious opportunity to grow in Him, to be here and present, nor to have a testimony that is powerful. I trust God because He is the only thing that is constant. He is my everything.

I thought I would start out with a story most people know about me.

I first believed in God, and learned to trust him, when my sister Jenny was in a bad car accident. I was in fifth grade. My parents said that when the ambulance had gotten to the scene she was practically dead, and the paramedics did everything they could to revive her, with low hopes.  Her brain was swelling, she had a broken neck, and the left side of her body was paralyzed. She was in a coma. They said if she ever woke up she probably wouldn’t talk or walk again. 

 One week after her accident I was finally able to, accompanied by my fifth grade teacher, who was close to my family. When I walked into the hospital room for the first time I was scared. There were cords everywhere. They put a gage in her head to monitor the brain swelling. She had something called a halo, which is drilled into the skull to keep the head from moving. There were bruises everywhere, everywhere except her angelic face. My first prayer on my own, the first one I wrote down, was about her.  Two weeks after her accident, by God’s grace, she miraculously woke up.

After she woke up she was transferred to Shepherd’s Center in Atlanta, Georgia. She visited with doctors specializing in neck and spinal injuries. In the stillness of my sister’s rehabilitation, I realized I was hating the man who hit her. I felt convicted for hating a child of God, someone He loves, just as much as me. I started to realize that all sin is the same in God’s eyes, all sin separates us from Him. The lying I did as a grade-schooler was just as bad as the pain the drunk driver caused  my sister. If I wanted forgiveness from God and from others, I would have to forgive the driver who hit my sister.  I had to learn that forgiveness is not the same as condoning someone’s actions. The best thing I can do is hope that the man who hit my sister finds Jesus. Only one year later, my sister, Jenny, was fully healed. Through the power of Jesus.

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