Mourning Mom

Mourning Mom

As a young girl I had lots of dreams of my wedding day. One huge one was my mother. My mom right by me, zipping up my dress, putting on my veil, praying with me, all the while sharing memories of her own wedding, and wisdom that she had gathered through the years.

Right after Mark and I were married, I started feeling very tired and sad. I did not understand why, and those who know me, know I am not a sad and tired person. I did start working full time, and had just undergone a huge life shift. Those could be the cause. I laugh because I thought I was pregnant! I’m not. I was talking to one of my sister in laws, and somehow the conversation switched to my wedding.

My father and brother came up for my wedding. However about a week before I got a heart breaking call from my mom saying she is unable to come up. My mom has health issues that I will not go into detail about because that is a private matter, but they weaken her immune system, and after years of being sick she is finally in great health. My mom and I both feared her becoming fatally sick again because of Covid-19. I remember through tears from both of us agreeing it was best that she stay home. That way she could be there for other huge moments, like grandchildren. And what a sacrifice that moment was, but how much more I love her for it! Because I know she had looked forward to the moment she would help me with my dress, put on my veil, pray and share memories with me.

I did not realize the subconscious affect it had on me. I was mourning, and I felt silly mourning something that never happened. But it did happen, in my dreams throughout my whole life. And while I was talking to my sister in-law, she pointed out that a loss no matter how small (or in my case subconscious big) is still a loss and it is ok to mourn. Once I addressed it for what it was, I was able to see the blessings.

I am so grateful we live in a world where there is facetime. Thank you God for creating the person who made facetime! My mother and other loved ones were able to watch my wedding from Florida (I got married in Minnesota). She was able to see my father walk me down the aisle. She was able to see me and my husband take our vows. She was able to watch the first dance, the father daughter dance, and the dance with my brother. I was able to speak with her and others, such as my grandparents, and family friends. and I got to see my mother 3 months later when we visited home! And I really needed mom time!